She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
