STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I woke up under a house in Key West
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