Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
