I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
