I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
