I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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