This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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