my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
