apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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