I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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