She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
