Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
