I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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