The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
