My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
