You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
