you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
