On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
