I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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