I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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