when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
