If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
