Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
