I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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