I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
