Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
