I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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