I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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