woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
