eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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