So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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