I can't breathe out the right side of my face
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
