we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
