He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
