oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
