So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
