New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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