I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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