Already got asked if we're dating
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
