Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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