So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
