after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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