So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
