i just sent this text using only my big toe
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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