update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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