Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
