you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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