There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
