My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
