Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just threw up on my dentist
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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