The maid of honor just puked.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
