if you like me you must not know who I am
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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