You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
